[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
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[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.