Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—

Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO

Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*

Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

Eggs are just drums you can only play once

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *opens candy wrapper*

Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!

my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

*alien probing me

Me: Ok a little to the left

Alien: I SAID STOP THAT

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

*kicking in your front door*

I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!

Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!

Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.