Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.

I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”

There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.