Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]

[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.

where’s Godzilla when we need him

New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.

I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages

me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free

wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?

me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

2019: The floor is lava.

2020: The year is lava.

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said

Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?