Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

the world’s most popular steaming services

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i love health insurance

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday

My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.