Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do you tell the gender of an ant?

Put it in water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats…

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.

UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries

It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

i baked you a cake

Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.