olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
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waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*