Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
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Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.