Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

*gf breaks up w/ me*

me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]

IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?

6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

the chicken was already gone when I got here

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!