Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
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If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Golf would be better with landmines.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.