Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.

How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.

Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.

there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing