Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.

*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though

decorating my apartment

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

me: i trained my dog to talk

her: let’s see

me: describe sandpaper

dog: ruff

me: the outer layer of a tree

dog: bark

her: this sucks

me: that little rapper guy

dog: bow wow

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.

*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

I’ve been learning to cook.

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

Jeans are once again asking too much of me.

I hate my earbuds.

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

If I’m a bit quieter this week, it’s because I’m on a mission to to find out where you got the audacity

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse