Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
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Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
decorating my apartment
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I’ve been learning to cook.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Jeans are once again asking too much of me.
I hate my earbuds.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
If I’m a bit quieter this week, it’s because I’m on a mission to to find out where you got the audacity
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse