olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
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her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers