Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

I am never leaving this website

12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!

Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”

He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.

His protest was legendary.

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever

wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*