Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
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Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I’m listening
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Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.