Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
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Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein