Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
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Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
The three genders
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Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?