“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
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I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”