“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
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Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.