“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
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We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Check out the legs on this baby
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
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