Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.

My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow

Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?

Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here

Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

[world without bees]

Hamlet: to or not to

Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?

5: Pencils. Duh.

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

On my tombstone:

She died still despising
deconstructed food

Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in

2023 was just a warmup