“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
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Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
bears
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”