“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
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I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Best spot.. 😅
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions