omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
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Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
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Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
The struggle is real
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today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.