omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
