omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
This is a true ally.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
There is wisdom there.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
This why you should mind your business
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
