Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?

Me: Yeah! Slept.

Husband: Correct, good night.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

FISHERMAN: Which one?

“I’m Bond. James Bond”.

Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Evil. Ken Evil.

[speeds cycle up ramp]

[jumps 8 cars & a bus]

my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”

You: “Yes, it is…”

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“…at least I hope so!!”