Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.

Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts

Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.

The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40

Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

Recycling bottles.

Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest

Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

47 years ago today, Soap debuted.

We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.

This scene. 😂😂😂