Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: A ghost killed your family?

Guy: Yes!

Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?

Guy: No?

Cop: Well there you go.

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

going ballistic. anyone need anything?

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

I’m having an out of money experience.

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]

Him: *spills drink*

Me: *starts twitching*

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.