omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

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we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi


Hangman is a weird game to let kids play. Hey kid, if you don’t think of this word, a random man will be put to death.


Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened


ENTRY-LEVEL JOB OPENING: Minimum 3 years exp required. Must speak 4 languages, have 2 Olympic medals & a reference letter from Barack Obama.


age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.


I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.


[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese