omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
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me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I drew y’all a little something.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Catering service
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
I am laughing way too hard at this.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]