OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
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Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
58.
I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people