OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
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“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
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A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Me trying to reach for my goals
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I put the h in mysterious.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.