OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
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New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Buying a well is money well spent.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons