Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.

My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.

[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

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Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.