Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

[Exit interview]

HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?

GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:

Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else

I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal