OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
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“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN