Omg 馃ぃ
You Might Also Like
Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we鈥檙e in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Today I’m going to give it my almost
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I鈥檒l forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I鈥檓 going.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I鈥檓 not telling them it was store bought.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you鈥robably noticed.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even