Omg 🤣
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My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”