Omg 🤣
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ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
💻🤡
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?