Omg 🤣
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[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
i love meeting boys on tinder
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
why isn’t he texting back
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
