Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
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Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.