Omg 🤣
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Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I falcon love using swear birds
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
i think we should see other cousins