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[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit