OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
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Finally a use for spoilers…
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding