Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

Professor X: What’s your power?

Me: I can turn ice into cats.

Professor X: That’s ridiculous.

Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!

Me: I got this!

Polecats: Sonofa…

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.

Basketball games are very squeaky.

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want.

Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.

Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber

Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

Believing everything you read on the internet is the key

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

the red hot silly peppers

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”