Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Interview]

Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!

Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein

Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

God: you’re a centipede.

Centipede: what does that mean?

God: you have 10 legs.

Centipede: that’s not enough legs.

God: how many do you want?

Centipede: 100 LEGS : )

God: ok but don’t tell Snake.

Snake: don’t tell me what?

God:

Centipede:

Snake: guys don’t tell me what?

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*

…they just keep sending more…

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card

just pretend nothing happened

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.