Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
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How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I know this now 😂
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open