Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL

*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*

4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.

Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

🤣🤣

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

I think we should hear other voices.

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.

I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

“That’s what” – She