Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

*first day as medical examiner*

Me: What killed him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?

Dr: Nope. Sagittarius

“These are serious allegations”

You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.

I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!

ME: Grandma?

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

These work great until they don’t.

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*

Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough

Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!

Me at 35: oh

No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

[montage of me giving-up]

“Hermit crab” describes me twice.

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life