Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet

[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”

“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“No problem, Alan.”

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

*puts my hair in a ponytail

IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.

if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero