Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

Welcome to your 50’s.

I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.

Happy Halloween!

Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)

My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen