Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

I camp so other people don’t have to.

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”

What a random, consistent, coincidence

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …

m’lady

My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.