Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

[being stabbed]

me: please, just do one thing for me…

murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today

me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?

girlfriend: I think I need a break

me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

*3:30 am

House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?

Smoke alarm: I had last week

Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.

HA: Water heater?

WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!

Me: *almost falls out of bed*

HA: HAHAHA! Good work!

It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.