Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw

“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”

-me, drunk, walking into a wall

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?

Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?

Expectant Parent:

Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.

who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it

Checkmate Jesus.

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours