Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me:

Teen: [returns to bedroom]

Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

😎 🍻

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical

My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.

The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.

Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done

Absolutely no one:

3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.