OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

You Might Also Like


a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch


If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.


If guys were smart they would forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls buying frozen dinners and cat food.


it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.


me: can you check my math homework?

guard: what

me: is this not a correctional facility


I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying


“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.


Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?


Me: I’m confused


Me: *crying* someone help me


Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”