@3sunzzz

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

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@apastoraldream

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

@jellybnbonanza

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

@DsTwitz

If guys were smart they would forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls buying frozen dinners and cat food.

@preawsaurus

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

@TheHyyyype

me: can you check my math homework?

guard: what

me: is this not a correctional facility

@dadopotamus

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

@SondraDeeMe

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

@BunAndLeggings

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

@Marlebean

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”