Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

The news in a nutshell.

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

*Discussing the school nativity play*

Me: Who’s Mary?

7: She’s Jesus’s mum.

Me: Yes, who’s playing her.

7: Dunno.

Me: Who’s Joseph?

7: He’s Mary’s husband.

Me:

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.

BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

Me: i need a copy of this key.

hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.

me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.