Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you kidnap a writer.

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”

My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.

someone just bragged they had two jobs.

this country is so lost.

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly

Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?