OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
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It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Important
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“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
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Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.