OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
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When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Me driving through Toronto
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you