@ddsmidt

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

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@generaldietz

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

@SuperApple8

All I want in life is to be cool enough to cut up slices of an apple and eat them directly from the knife.

@Spaced_Cowboy00

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

@Jake_Vig

SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!

HERO: Ok

SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?

HERO: I’m in

SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.

HERO: My therapist said to try new things

SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward

HERO: I’ll get my stuff

@donni

When I die, I’m donating my body to Simons. I tell this to every Simon I meet. So far, they’re not into it

@dannyboy7813

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

@LoveNLunchmeat

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

@NowAPisces

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”

@MichaelaOkla

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

@TheDoorTHEDOOR

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.