OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
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In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice