Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming

When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

“Hi-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Do y-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Excuse m-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”

My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

🤣😂🤣😂

Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander