OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
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Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
🤣🤣🤣
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
one week till the election
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.