OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
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Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
Miscakes
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Autocorrect is my menesis
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.