“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
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sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo