“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
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If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
first you must answer his riddles
