“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
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Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?