Just checked my Farmville for the first time in a year. It’s now a Walmart.
OMG I LOVE RUNNING!
*endorphins wear off
That shit can’t happen again.
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I told you these spanx were too tight.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
[2 paintings talking]
“hey man, guess what im doing this weekend?”
please dont say it
i wanna move to a different gallery
Therapist: resentment is like drinking poison in the vain hope it makes your enemies sick
Me: not if I’m banking on them eating my body