@_freebird99_
@CountGripsnatch
Just checked my Farmville for the first time in a year. It’s now a Walmart.
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@CountGripsnatch
@GeorgiaSweet20
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
@stockejock
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
@mostly_cheese
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
@Humor_Fetish
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
@kimtopher22
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
@robfee
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
@trentistweeting
[2 paintings talking]
“hey man, guess what im doing this weekend?”
please dont say it
“JUST HANGING!”
i wanna move to a different gallery
@BoobsRadley
Therapist: resentment is like drinking poison in the vain hope it makes your enemies sick
Me: not if I’m banking on them eating my body