if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
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I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
handsome & gretel