@_freebird99_

OMG I LOVE RUNNING!

*endorphins wear off

That shit can’t happen again.

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@CountGripsnatch

Just checked my Farmville for the first time in a year. It’s now a Walmart.

@stockejock

What do we want?

ROCK HARD ABS!

When do we want them?

THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!

@mostly_cheese

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

@Humor_Fetish

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

@kimtopher22

Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.

@robfee

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

@trentistweeting

[2 paintings talking]
“hey man, guess what im doing this weekend?”
please dont say it
“JUST HANGING!”
i wanna move to a different gallery

@BoobsRadley

Therapist: resentment is like drinking poison in the vain hope it makes your enemies sick

Me: not if I’m banking on them eating my body