@_freebird99_

OMG I LOVE RUNNING!

*endorphins wear off

That shit can’t happen again.

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@happymilly1

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

@Tups13

When I receive an invoice that says ‘early settlement would be appreciated’ I build them a Neolithic village.

@AndrewChamings

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

@Eagle_Vision

I dreamed I was floating in an ocean of soda, but when I awoke I realized it was just a Fanta Sea.

@shkeeber

If a genie grants you 3 wishes, use the first one to make the genie develop short term memory loss, and then keep making 2nd wishes forever.

@advicefromphil

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

@Pat_Bren

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

@thesarahthing

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”