Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

at ease…shoulder.

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.

My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish