omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
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I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.