omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
![]()
You Might Also Like
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
August 8
![]()