Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days

me: I always get shy around beautiful women

friend: just tell her

cashier: hi

me: *quiet mumbling*

cashier: what?

me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?

WIFE: Inverted?

ME: No, in English Sharon.

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.

To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.

Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”

*Checks soles of both my shoes*

“….left, ladies.”

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!

Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?