Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
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Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge