OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
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SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Some of you have never been punched in the face and it shows.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun