OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
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Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
my professor scared me for a second
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.