OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
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*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*