OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
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I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Glad they’re banning TikTok. It’ll be nice to be reunited with my kids, and see how much they’ve grown over the years.
If I make my 3yo a ham sandwich he won’t touch it but if I make myself a ham sandwich he’s gotta have the entire thing
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.